TBBT & Football

On this week's episode of The Big Bang Theory Leonard is upset because Penny is having a football party and he hasn't been invited. He decides that she is afraid of being embarrassed by him in front of her friends. After wangling an invite, he undertakes some intensive football education, but ...

I guess I shouldn't have had that kind of problem since we always went to football games as a family when I was little, and I played football in high school for two years. Coincidentally, or not, we won the state championship for two years when I was in high school. Coincidentally, or not, those two years were the two I didn't play...

I played offensive tackle. Offensive tackles are the brainiacs of football, at least in the NFL. This is because they have to be able to remember complicated footwork and blocking patterns even after having their brains shaken like a maracca a few dozen times a game.

I was a lousy offensive tackle. This was because I didn't bother learning the complicated blocking patterns and footwork, I suppose, though the fact that I was 6' 1" and 128 lbs might have been a factor as well and motivation has a part to play too.

There are many good reasons to want to play high school football. You might want fame and glory for example. You might want to have a shot with the cheerleaders and other hot girls. Or you might just like knocking other people's brains out - the best answer, of course.

Now fame and glory sound good, but they are pretty much only for people who throw the ball or run with it. They also get the best shot with the hot girls. When a coach helpfully pointed out to me that the key to good football was wanting to hurt the other guy more than you minded him hurting you, my football motivation collapsed, and I lapsed into my natural geekitude.

I might have ended up nearly as innocent of football jargon as Leonard if it hadn't been for the Army and grad school. We played a lot of touch football in each, and some guys had played the real thing in college or even, in one case, the NFL. Some sort of ego transference meant studying the moves of the guys playing the real game on television.

Success in the football watching division is even simpler. A few stock phrases usually work:

Did you see how the fullback muffed his block? (This usually works even when there isn't technically a fullback in the game - nobody pays any attention to him except old college fullbacks. If one of these takes exception, back down fast - blame it on the center. )

A bit of name dropping is also good. "How about that Farve?" is usually good even if the Vikings (or whoever it is he plays for) aren't on the field. Ditto for "about time they gave Vince Young a start!" Try not to say that about players who are dead or in prison.

Reference to players who played before most people in the room were born is a riskier strategy. If you go on about Lawrence Taylor, most people will think you're talking about DWTS.

If your conversation stopping gambits are met with actual rejoinders, getting up and asking "anybody want another beer?" is almost a guaranteed winner - unless your host is out of beer, in which case you get stuck with buying the next case.

If worst comes to worst, try the ultimate football conversation tactic as demonstrated on Leonard by Penny - stuff some Pizza in your mouth.

HTH, CIP