Republican Horoscope for the Vernal Equinox

ARIES (Mar 21- Apr 19) You are self-confident and warlike, although you agressively sought draft deferments when you were a student. Today, enjoy the afternoon, because later on you are going to get your ass kicked.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) You are firm and implacable in the face of facts, logic, and reason. Stubborness is your best quality. You tend to draw flies. Tonight: Think about heading for Costa Rica.

GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 20) You consider yourself to be outspoken and cheerful. Others mostly consider you to be an annoying asshole. Today: start a legal defense fund. Tonight: stay drunk.

CANCER (Jun 21 - Jul 22) They said you would never amount to anything but now you are a Fox News on-air personality. Your mother was wrong to recommend a job in prostitution. Tonight: stay home and lather up - Bill O'Reilly asked for your phone number.

LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22) You are a cheerful, outgoing risk taker. That's because you are clueless about reality. You are widely considered to be an annoying moron. Tonight, Karl Rove is coming to dinner. Try to relax and enjoy it.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sep 22) You are charismatic and energetic. You draw people like flies to s***. Tonight: use your powers to get other people as screwed up as you are.

LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22) You are touchy and hypersensitive. You have few friends, and most of them hate you. Today: consider turning state's evidence. Tonight: Kick your dog - he's thinking about ripping your throat out while you sleep. Lock the door.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You are sensual and filled with lust. Tonight: watch out - that congressional page is wired.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) Once again you woke up drunk, naked, and tied up in the street, with a rubber ball in your mouth. Not sure how this will play in your Kansas Congressional District. Tonight: call Carl Rove, ask him to lean on the USA for an indictment of your opponent.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) You notice that you glow. Maybe that Ectasy really was laced with a florescent tracer. Don't let the world get your goat. Tonight: be sure to get high before your appearance before the Senate investigating committee.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You don't have to explain your actions or motives to anybody. The President has invoked executive priviledge. Tonight: have a bonfire and shred your hard drive.

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Your natural slipperiness and treachery have made you some new friends, but the old ones may not be pleased. Today: remember to treat yourself well, because tonight you might be sleeping with the fishes.

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